March 11, 2025
PART 2 - Confronting Childhood Trauma
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When anxiety symptoms start affecting your mental health, it's crucial to establish strong boundaries for your personal growth. 👑 Today, we're diving deep into recognizing emotional abuse and managing social anxiety in our relationships. Remember queens, prioritizing your wellbeing isn't selfish - it's essential! 💕
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Chapters
00:00 - Physical Effects of Mental Stress
01:03 - Introduction of Dr. Angela Monfort
04:23 - Understanding Trauma's Timeline
06:29 - Breaking Generational Communication Patterns
09:08 - Overcoming Trauma and Suicidal Thoughts
18:06 - Setting Boundaries with Adult Children
23:49 - Finding Peace with Parental Relationships
27:38 - The Power of the Present Moment
Transcript
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I was having a great day sitting at my desk and I got a phone call from a person the person.
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All I did was see the name come up on my phone and I felt it the moment I saw the name ring on my phone, the anxiety my chest tightened.
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I started sweating.
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I got an instant headache, because I already know if I answer that phone, it's never positive.
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I realized that the stress that was on me wasn't even mine, but it was affecting me physically the moment I said no more.
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I haven't had a migraine in the last couple of years.
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All those symptoms.
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I was physically making myself sick.
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You know why your mind goes to a positive place and you take your body with it.
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That's why mindfulness works.
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In this present moment, you can make the decision of how you want to feel.
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Yes, this is Legra.
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This is Stephanie.
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This is Cherie and this is Ivanya.
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This is Cherie.
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And this is Evanya.
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And this is Timeless and Unfiltered, where we are spilling the tea on midlife, one laugh at a time.
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Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Timeless and Unfiltered.
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I am Legra, I'm Stephanie.
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I'm Legra, I'm Stephanie, I'm Charisse and I'm Evania and you'll probably notice we got a special guest on the couch, but before that, we would like you to please follow us, subscribe, like us on all platforms so you can get all this great content every week straight to you.
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Hello hello, hello.
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Well, Charisse, I'm going to let you introduce our special guest.
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Oh, hello, well, charisse, I'm gonna let you introduce our special guest.
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Oh, I'm so excited to actually introduce Dr Angela Monfort.
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Who is?
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She probably don't want me to say this, but she's actually my personal therapist.
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And soon to be mine.
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So let me just give you some information on Dr Monfort.
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It's a lot, but I'm just gonna read a little bit.
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Dr Angela Monfort, phd, lpc, ncc these acronyms NCC.
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Nationally Certified Counselor, okay and CPSC Certified Professional Counseling Supervisor.
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Don't say what I'm saying.
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Go on girl, go on girl.
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What was the LPC?
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No tags.
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Licensed Professional Counselor.
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Okay, I'm both a licensed professional counselor and a licensed psychologist.
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Okay, there we go, love it, get her accolades, gotta get those accolades.
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Credentials she was a licensed psychologist and private practice in Buckhead in Atlanta, georgia.
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She has 20 years of combined experience as a therapist, career consultant and supervisor in various mental health settings.
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But I did notice because, um, you've got um a lot of over the years.
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But what I was actually excited about was it said on here that you're working on a book about body image issues experienced by women of color yes, so very excited about it too.
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Yeah, I was excited about it, to read it.
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We just have stuff we need to pack up, just get right to it.
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We need you, we need you.
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We was literally talking about childhood, just childhood traumas, things that we've gone through, and being at a point where we're middle-aged and just now being able to unpack things and understand, and so I think we're just kind of wanting to understand why so late, why are we doing it now, why are we trying to figure this out?
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now and not only that, but in terms of trauma, how do we get to the place of understanding it for others, understanding it and then getting what we need so that we can get past it and live productive lives?
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And one of the other things we talked about is the things that we really pass on to our children because we didn't have a clue until they told us and it hurt, yeah, and we try to deal with it, and so what we're, what we're trying to do, is, for the folks who are where we are, our middle-aged platform how do they get to it and then for girls who are younger, young women who are younger, to have young kids where do they start?
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What do they do and why don't we?
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What is it that's stopping us from?
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they do, and why don't we?
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What is it that's stopping us from doing it sooner?
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Well, that's a really heavy and very rightfully asked question.
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You have to understand that trauma happens in a context you know, we don't control when it happens and likewise we don't control when we deal with it.
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For some people the trauma is very close to the surface and they just can't have it not impact their lives.
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So the re-experiencing is there, the reactions are there, the flashbacks are there.
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Whatever symptomology that they struggle with, it is front and center.
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For the larger majority, you have trauma symptomology that is more subconscious.
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It still impacts the way we function, but in a way that's much more covert.
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So for these individuals it's not really known just how much is impacting your life.
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So you may not know that there's an impact to a child.
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You may think it's normal and not even be aware that.
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Wow, every time the child makes a reference to this sort of trigger, I react that awareness may not be there.
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For those who it is who are aware of that, they usually get help.
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Hopefully.
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They will get help.
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But you can't really blame yourself if you don't have the awareness, Because most of the time life doesn't pause because something bad happened.
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Very true, it does not.
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You're keeping it moving and as long as you're holding it together, the lights are on.
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You got your job or you got your man, you got your kids.
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Whatever it is that you're trying to keep in the flow, as long as it's moving.
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That's the object, object of the game and that's where the focus is that that statement said a lot by itself.
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Like I'm sitting here, I'm processing going I'm trying to make a better effort of listening and stop being so reactionary.
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That's been a a big thing between me and my son, Because when he does tell me something that I've said or I've done that has impacted him negatively, I'm already on the defensive and I'm already trying to explain why.
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And he hasn't even gotten out everything he wanted to say to me first.
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But he and I have.
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He's more the adult I'm the child in this relationship.
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And I don't know if that's just young people or what, but he's so aware of our conversations and he's very intentional when he speaks to me.
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But part of that is to guess what my son is in therapy, mama not.
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He's in therapy.
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So he's learning how to communicate better with me.
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And so sometimes, when we have our conversations and I'll start to speak and say hold on, just give me a moment, let me, let me get this out, let me let me say what I need to say first and then then you can tell me sometimes who are you talking to first and then.
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Then you can tell, and I said sometimes, who are you talking to, because you know, because you're the parent, but I I have to say, okay, wait, yeah, I'm, I'm already ready to defend myself because he's saying something that's I don't want to hear, or that is is hurtful to me, or I didn't do something right, whatever right is.
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You know, but our relationship has gotten better, honestly, since he's been in therapy.
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So now it's like you know what, allegra, it's time for you to go to therapy, because some of the things that he said he can't be wrong all the time.
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Apparently, the way I'm communicating with him doesn't feel comfortable to him and I need to figure out why I'm communicating with him that way, you know but yeah kids hurt, hurt your feelings you hurt your feelings and you're already ready to attack, or to defend
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yourself, and I think sometimes I don't listen well, and it's taking me a minute to get there, to realize I don't listen.
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Communicate and listen because, like how you said, when sometimes somebody's talking to you so you're remembering what they said, so I can respond back to that sometimes you tune out everything else so now I'm focused on this one thing and that's what I hear.
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And I'm upset and I'm mad because you said this one thing and I probably didn't hear it the way you meant to say it, but now I'm not listening to everything else you said.
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I realize I do this and I'm like focused on this and I'm mad and you've said all this other good things and I focus.
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One thing I think is negative how do you train yourself to listen so you hear everything and then, if you have a response, would you wait till the end so you can say everything you need to say in response and not be so defensive?
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In this culture.
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Believe it or not, most people are not really good listeners.
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I believe it.
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What you described is really normative.
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In other cultures it is considered more of a show of respect when there's a pause before responding yes, and Western culture is more looked at as a negative, like maybe you're slow or maybe you're not very intelligent or not with it or something or not forthright.
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It really does just take being aware and training yourself to just really consider what was heard before you respond the other piece of that I'll say quickly is a virtue of safety.
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It's going to be really hard to just pause and be that like with it if you don't feel safe if you already feel judged, if you already feel like, if the stakes are high, if I say the wrong thing, then all of that it's going to make it hard to just override what you naturally do that's good that's why, feeling safe is so important.
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Yes, you said something earlier that actually made me think um, and what you said is we're paying our light bills.
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We're you know, we're focused on our families.
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We're just living, and so I guess part of I don't know you're the expert here, but I'm assuming a part of not getting therapy or just thinking about what needs to happen is because we're just on that train just trying to get to the next point.
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So I think, as we sit here at Midlife we've talked about well, now it's quiet, the kids are gone.
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You know we have time now.
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We're starting to think about our future, so we have more quiet time and maybe that's why why it bubbled up for me.
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possibly very possibly again, keep in mind you got several layers here.
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You got what's going on in your life individually, you've got who's around you, managing that, you've got the responsibilities of life, and then you've got the larger around you, managing that.
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You've got the responsibilities of life, and then you've got the larger context, for example, how the world views therapy, and pull it back down to a microcosm of that, how people of color view therapy.
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How women of color view therapy.
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I mean for the longest therapy in the black culture.
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Come on Right, it's becoming more common.
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I believe, the more you put it out there and people speak of their journeys and how they've been healed, I think people are more open to going to therapy.
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Because I keep saying I'm going to go to therapy.
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We're waiting on you to go to therapy, girl.
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My life is is so much going on you say come to the side of the light.
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I keep saying I'm gonna do it, but I just feel like, like you said, everything is just moving and I'm just like, okay, at some point and I am getting to a point where I'm sitting to myself really, but not really, because I still got a million things going on and in my quiet time my therapist has been that man upstairs for- a while, but I do feel like a lot of times I need reinforcements because I know my friends probably get tired of hearing my stuff.
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Oh no, we never get tired of hearing the stories and I'm like I know I'm wearing them out.
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I need to go talk to somebody else, so that's something I'm looking to do?
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If you felt sick you felt physically sick you would schedule a doctor's appointment so if you feel like, there's some type of turmoil inside.
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You need to schedule an appointment with a therapist I would need to, because what I realize is all the stuff that I I hold on to is impacting me physically yes, like now I'm being diagnosed with issues, because stress and everything I'm holding on to and I'm like, oh my gosh, no, that's really so real.
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So I'm like, yeah, I got to calm down and just figure out how to unpack without hurting people, because that's to a point where I want to hurt people verbally but I don't Because.
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I've evolved from the person that.
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I was.
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So I just keep things at bay, but it's just like really tearing me up on the inside.
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Sometimes it's not worth it too, Because you said they don't have anything to lose.
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They don't, oh gee, but it's so hard, it's a process, god, can you help me?
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Help me please.
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You've got a new counselor right here.
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She's like yes, I'm sitting here looking at a volume.
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Who is this person?
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I'm evolving, no, but I know how stress can really mess with you physically.
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I'm 47.
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I got shingles at 46.
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I shouldn't have shingles at 46.
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I got shingles at 46.
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I shouldn't have shingles at 46.
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I have shingles, that's why I'm stressed.
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I had them popped up three years ago.
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That's stress, shingles.
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And my hair is green Like stress is my heart rate.
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Sometimes I feel it's like my anxiety, like all that stuff, and I know that stress is work stress, relationship stress, parenthood stress it's like all that stress.
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So now I try to deal with it in different ways.
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We talked about sometimes the different ways we use for self care and wellness and all that stuff and breathing and just trying to take a step back and doing nothing.
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So I know that that's important, but getting it out and speaking to somebody I know is important as well.
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Yeah, I think that's better than taking medication, cause I think a lot of times the symptoms of your stress well, here, take this pill, it'll calm you down.
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And here, go, take this twice a day.
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And it's like no, maybe I need to holistically, maybe, yeah, sit and talk to someone before I actually start taking medication, because maybe it's just something I need to unpack or learn ways to woosah a little better, as opposed to just throwing a pill in your mouth.
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I will say it depends, because keep in mind that the body only has one response to stress and it doesn't matter whether or not the stress is a bear charging at you or the stock market falling or something happening in your family.
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Those stress hormones like cortisol does damage in the body because your body is not meant to be activated as much as it is.
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Like in caveman times, there wasn't a bear every day.
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Right.
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Right now there's something Every day, every day.
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Yeah, and sometimes your body takes a hit and it doesn't bounce back as fast.
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That makes sense.
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With anxiety stressing the heart, Sometimes you do kind of get in that window where the organs actually do start to get a little bit weakened.
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If that's not the case, then, yes, get into the root of it will definitely help and you and you won't really need the medications anymore right I've had clients with chronic anxiety that felt they were always about on the verge of having a heart attack when they've learned to use coping mechanisms like deep breathing meditation exercise.
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They don't need anything to calm their anxiety anymore normal xanax or anything like that that makes sense.
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But again, I think um, like you said, a lot of it too is recognizing.
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There's an issue and I know we've talked about it before um a lot of stress comes from your family oh yeah you know, my family currently is dealing with a major issue with a family member not certain if it's a mental issue, if it's mental health, not certain if it's a drug issue.
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But that is causing a lot of stress in our family.
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But I noticed it personally.
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There was a time, remember, I was sickly all the time.
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I had a migraine.
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I used to suffer from migraines, and I say used to, because I was taking medication.
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I had been to the doctor.
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I always had digestive issues.
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Stomach upset all the time.
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Everything, and literally.
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I was having a great day sitting at my desk and I got a phone call from a person the person and all I did was see the name come up on my phone and I felt it because I was having a really great day.
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I was doing whatever I was doing.
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I was at my desk and the moment I saw the name ring on my phone, the anxiety, when I tell you, it's almost if there was a such thing as an instant heart attack and that just instantly went away.
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It was almost like say, hey, that's it, this is your issue, this is your source.
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Right here, my chest tightened, I started sweating, I got an instant headache just from seeing that name come on my phone, because I already know if I answer that phone, it's never positive.
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It's never positive, it's always on 10.
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It's always an emergency.
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It was going to shift my whole day and I remember staring at the phone and I didn't answer it and I sat there and I said, okay, you have to stop, you have to stop.
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And then I realized that the stress that was on me wasn't even mine I was taking on somebody else's stress and because, as your family member, I love you so I'm gonna okay when.
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When they call, I'm gonna answer the call.
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When they come over, I'm gonna sit and listen.
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And it was pouring over me, but it was affecting me physically and and the moment I said no more.
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I haven't had a migraine in the last couple of years.
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Wow.
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My digestive like all those symptoms.
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I was physically making myself sick, and it wasn't even my stress.
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Putting up that boundary by not answering the call?
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Yes.
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Yes, and literally that was my aha, my aha moment and my life.
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But it's amazing too how, when you do put that boundary up, when I say, it's almost like the whole atmosphere shifted you know what I'm saying All the you don't ever feel like you're a magnet for negativity sometimes, but the moment you say no more, well, well, where did the negative stuff go?
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It like it.
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Not just that one incident, or that one person everything shifted.
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It's like you said no more universe.
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I'm not taking this on anymore and everything shifted and it's like a whole different world you want to know why no well, tell me, doc, because your mind goes to a positive place and you take your body with it.
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That's why mindfulness works.
00:19:32.799 --> 00:19:40.630
If you're thinking of like a very calm place, like, imagine, like whatever is your place, like a beach or wilderness, whatever it is.
00:19:40.630 --> 00:19:46.037
If you're thinking of that space, notice that your breathing is going to change.
00:19:46.037 --> 00:19:51.332
Whether or not you have tension in your shoulders or in your back, that's going to shift.
00:19:51.332 --> 00:20:01.451
The tension in your muscles, in your stomach, especially around the abdomen, is going to relax, because your mind went to a positive place and so your body went there.
00:20:01.451 --> 00:20:12.808
But when your mind goes to a stressful place, it takes it there too, and that's where you get all of that symptomology the tightness, the muscle aches, the digestive issues, the nausea the headaches.
00:20:12.929 --> 00:20:21.866
Wow, that's why, wow, I'm telling you everything has just shifted and great things start coming to you.
00:20:21.866 --> 00:20:26.222
That you're not even looking for it's just great things start coming to you that you're not even looking for.
00:20:26.222 --> 00:20:26.778
It's just great things start coming to you.
00:20:26.778 --> 00:20:33.814
But a lot of times I think as women, as nurturers, as mothers or whatever we take on that nurturing role.
00:20:33.814 --> 00:20:38.508
But you've got to learn how to put those boundaries up and especially when it starts affecting you physically.
00:20:38.508 --> 00:20:43.625
I was sick all the time, all the time, and couldn't figure out why.
00:20:45.240 --> 00:20:48.537
I think sometimes, as women, we're trained to take it on because they think we can always handle it.
00:20:48.537 --> 00:20:51.188
Yeah, we're strong, like we can take on whatever the kids have going on.
00:20:51.188 --> 00:20:53.387
They always come to us because they know we can handle it.
00:20:53.387 --> 00:20:55.887
But who do we go to when we need somebody?
00:20:55.887 --> 00:21:00.981
To Dr Moffitt, it would be a laughing Dr.
00:21:01.041 --> 00:21:02.144
Moffitt, I'm telling you, and.
00:21:02.584 --> 00:21:03.465
I don't know how you do it.
00:21:03.465 --> 00:21:07.731
Well, I guess you don't take it on, but listening to all these things, does that affect you at all?
00:21:07.731 --> 00:21:09.115
I'm like, do you need a counselor?
00:21:09.234 --> 00:21:12.665
Yeah, I am all about it.
00:21:12.665 --> 00:21:16.449
I have definitely used therapy off and on in my lifetime, for sure.
00:21:16.469 --> 00:21:17.652
Wow, that's great, because I'm human.
00:21:17.791 --> 00:21:26.696
Yeah, I can say that just over the years I've kind of heard a lot, so it just I just don't carry it the same way.
00:21:26.696 --> 00:21:29.259
But yeah, therapists are human.
00:21:31.663 --> 00:21:36.232
So I have a question, Nevermind.
00:21:36.232 --> 00:21:39.942
No she may not be able to answer If.
00:21:40.063 --> 00:21:41.346
I can, I'll let you know.
00:21:42.630 --> 00:21:49.884
Because so do people come and talk to you and say, for instance, yeah, I want to kill my wife.
00:21:49.884 --> 00:21:50.894
I think about it every day.
00:21:50.894 --> 00:21:55.640
What do you do with that?
00:21:55.640 --> 00:21:58.419
Like I would take that like my nerves.
00:21:58.419 --> 00:22:06.021
I would go home and I'd be like I probably need to say something Like how do you handle hearing everything from everyone?
00:22:06.021 --> 00:22:08.558
Because I think I feel like that's a lot for you to carry.
00:22:08.558 --> 00:22:11.138
That's why I was like do you go to a therapist too?
00:22:11.138 --> 00:22:27.201
Because I think we had a conversation where we were saying, like law enforcements, counselors, emergency room doctors they need to speak to therapists too, because on a day-to-day they hear they take on a lot and it's just like okay, how are you guys unpacking?
00:22:28.671 --> 00:22:46.542
I mean yeah, guys, unpacking, I mean yeah, so it's just, I feel like everybody needs therapy, that's some kind of way but um I just wonder how do you deal with it?
00:22:46.623 --> 00:22:49.806
I mean, you have keep in mind I've worked in so many different settings.
00:22:49.806 --> 00:22:52.859
I've worked in psychiatric hospitals, I've worked at Grady.
00:22:53.290 --> 00:22:54.676
I've worked in private practice.
00:22:54.829 --> 00:22:56.897
I've worked in college counseling centers.
00:22:56.897 --> 00:23:00.336
So, I mean those that are unstable.
00:23:00.336 --> 00:23:07.174
Yeah, they will have certain fixations of killing someone or doing something, and I'm a mandated reporter.
00:23:07.596 --> 00:23:16.913
I get the proper enforcements involved like the proper law enforcements or whatever involved if there is an imminent threat.
00:23:16.913 --> 00:23:21.542
As far as the psychological side of it, it's just the way you frame it.
00:23:21.542 --> 00:23:38.576
That's an individual that is under threat, and so it becomes less about the content and more about how can I create, help this patient or this client, create safety mm-hmm that's what it comes about, and that's why I say it's.
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